I'm Ashamed to Admit it...

But I have dealt with the Devil.

I caught wind of a rumor that for the first time in at least seven months, the Wal-mart in my town started stocking cheddar cheese.

One cold and desperate evening last week I walked through the gateway of hell and there I saw the Devil himself. The yellow smiling circle that winks because he knows the truth behind Wal-mart's success as a company and success in near-total world domination.

In a trance-like state I walked past the greeter in her blue vest, through the neon illuminated aisles, down the moving sidewalk and to the dairy section. There I found it, shining in its shrink wrap like the purest gold. The half-moon of cheddar cheese that lay on that shelf sang to me in a language that touched the innermost cavity of my heart. As I stood there motionless in its aura, the few remaining tastebuds that have not been singed off by Korean cuisine began to weep at the hope of salvation.

I walked towards the cash register with the arm holding my prize outstretched. I dropped entirely too much money on the conveyer belt as I brushed past without even slowing down. I sat on the bus caressing every beautiful inch, completely unawares of the judging and sickened stares that befell me.

When we finally got home I tore into it with such lust that nothing and no one could have stopped me. I devoured and then I savored. I chewed and then I let melt. I loved it so wholly and entirely and when I was at last sated I stopped. A little less than half of the cheese remained, but I was feeling stronger and more alive than ever.

That was until my evil deed caught up with me. My body has almost totally lacked dairy for more than seven months and it was none too receptive to the richness and pureness of my purchase and it fought back, hard. As I sat on the toilet for much of that evening I wept. I wept for all of the unconsumed cheeses of the world. I wept for the loss of my intestinal stamina and fortitude. I wept for my desperation. I wept for my old life. I wept for a land where cheese is as common there as seaweed is here. I wept for my hatred of Wal-mart and I wept for my sin.

I dealt with the devil and I suffered far worse than the loss of my soul.