The Hideousness of Report Cards

I woke up early this morning so that I could crank out some of the monthly report cards, that were due like two weeks ago, before class. I have about thirty left and I pretty much want to shoot myself in the knee cap.

I remember my mom always complaining when she had to do report cards. She would stay up late to finish them and inevitably something would happen and she would end up losing half of them due to some unfortunate keystroke at the computer. Report card deadlines were always a tumultuous time in my house. I imagine that even the slightest amount of backtalk or lip directed towards her while she was in such a fragile state would have sparked such an onslaught of rage that we would all have to spend the following days in hiding, waiting out the ensuing fallout. All of this and all she ever had to do was quarterly report cards.

I have to write report cards for my morning students every other week but those aren't really that bad. Right now I am dredging through a huge stack of afternoon report cards which are to be completed every month. I have about fifty afternoon students that all need their own personal little write up. Anyway, I'm having some trouble writing the reports this month. I think I've developed writer's block towards dreaming up new bullshit to tell these parents that is any different from anything that I've told them for the last six months. I'm including a sample report card in this entry in the hopes of getting some positive feedback and perhaps some suggestions as to how I can clarify my comments and what not.

If learning English were a peat bog, your son Eric would be drowning and choking on the sliminess that is naturally growing mosses. Considering the last report card you got was a little over three weeks ago I can honestly say that Eric has made virtually no progress. In fact I recall telling you in last month's report card that Eric would continue to struggle with English and hit a brick wall of learning if he continued to be unable to learn the alphabet. Of course you wouldn't remember this because I'm sure your promptly discarded the last six report cards you received from me because I know for a fact that you don't speak English. However, despite Eric's innate stupidity he is thankfully blessed with a shining personnality. Oh wait, sorry, I must be confused. Eric is the one whose unceasing stupidity has caused the other student's to start sighing and groaning in annoyance when it comes time for Eric to answer a question. Listen, some people can learn languages and some can't. Do us all a favor and remove your son from the school. Enroll him in sports or get him to do more active things since he's like the only fat Korean in the whole damn country.
P.S. Tomorrow is valentine's day and I expect teacher's gifts.

Terry has really brought a new level of insanity to my most difficult class to manage, not even to mention actually teach. Considering he is only five years old, (in Korean years) I am not at all surprised by his energy or his lack of understanding or concern for the finer points of the irregular past tense verb conjugations. I am however quite surprised when he decides to test the bounds of the volume and pitch of his voice. I am also very surprised when he opts to spit on my knee during a beautiful rendition of "make new friends". The image of your son's toothless grin that is so big it forces his eyes completely shut haunts my dreams. Thanks for choosing Wonderland instead of daycare.

So, what do you think? I already have them typed up I just need to copy and paste them onto the report cards. Keep me posted cause I really should turn these in soon.